4 Musts for a LASTING Relationship
Hah! Bet you thought I was talking about major donor relationships – well, I am, sort of. A long time ago I had a challenging boss. A wise mentor said, “Treat him like you would a major donor.” What?
Actually, great advice. A strategy that applies to everyone – not just the difficult boss. What if it were possible to treat everyone in your life as you would a major donor?
As Ken and I look back, we see together as “more” than alone. Times we were most frustrated with the other; we were really the most frustrated with ourselves. Being aware of the thinking behind the choices we make challenges us to overcome negative thought tendencies and choose love – not dependency, not limitations; and to take full responsibility for our role in creating our happy life together. Easy peasy? No. So worth it? YES!
Relationships, personal or giving, have phases:
1. Informational – I wonder if he’s already got someone, wants kids, likes golf, whatever. Or, I wonder if that university, hospital, feral cat cause, whatever, has the impact, service, program I am interested in.
2. Transactional – I’ll help with math if you make dinner. Or, $10 will feed two people for three days, (annual fund, phonathons, monthly giving).
3. Relational – How do our values, dreams, goals align? Is there passion? How much/long do I want to invest? Same – personal or giving.
4. Transformational – Together we are SO much more than we can be alone. Investing in this can transform my success to significance.
And one to one or one to one thousand there are 4 MUSTS that we must have for successful relationships.
Authenticity. When we can be who we are, as individuals or organizations, trust, sincerity, appreciation and honor easily follow. When, as Steven Covey describes it, we build up the positive emotional bank accounts of others we create authentic relationships.
Seeking what is meaningful to the other, as opposed to what I think is meaningful for the other. Bring “other” into focus.
“Yes, dear.” When couples who have been married for decades are asked, “What’s one piece of advice?” He will often offer, “Say ‘Yes, dear’ and smile.” The key is knowing it is not important to always be “right.”
Actions, Rituals, Habits. Good intentions have little impact on relationships. The actions, rituals, and habits that demonstrate appreciation, gratitude, caring, and respect have an enormous impact. Do we keep or break promises? (I’ll call on Tuesday.) Do our words ring true or hollow? (Let’s do lunch sometime.) Are we simply using our best “pickup” tactics or latest fundraising suggested donor questions or have we truly considered what feelings, information, reflections, and dreams we need to exchange to have “us” be more than me alone – in both our personal and our giving relationships?
The products of our relationships – self-respect, self-awareness, encouragement, connection, inspiration, children, joy, possessions, volunteer support, new buildings and programs, annual support for our organizations – are the results that weave and leave our legacy.
I am writing this on top of a river boat…so far from home….in the quiet times. As I consider my relationships – with Ken, my kids, you – I recommit to using my unique gifts to uncover how best to serve and support you, and take consistent action to inspire, appreciate and be grateful for the gift you are to me, and to composing a good world. To the next 25 years!
